He will not like it that I posted his name here but he will not know. Hehehe. I think the font is too large.
That's better.
Well, hello future Brooks. I am writing this for you. So in case you mess this relationship up, you will have somewhere to look and see how awesome this guy, Adam, is.
We met in the most common means of meeting people nowadays, online. :) One day, OKC shut me out of swiping left and right because I have swiped right for too many people. It basically said, "enough for today, go check out the people you liked and send them a message." So I did, reluctantly coz I would've liked it better if people messaged me first. So I was clicking on people who liked me also and popped this awesome profile of a man who's pictures aren't showing at the time. He was a chemist and a very good writer. My ass felt on fire with excitement. I really like this guy even without seeing him. So I sent a message. I said something like, "I may not be your type but I think you are awesome even without your pictures. And you swipes right so I'm gonna give this a whirl." Moments later, he replied. This was on July 25, 2018. Day that would change my life forever. I am not gonna divide this into paragraphs because when I try to the size goes back to large and I'm lazy to change it so this will be a continuous text. Okay, so Adam replied and he said we can talk. I don't know what I said next but during the course of our initial conversation, I got the idea that this guy has zero interest in me. How? Well because he was speaking in the general sense. He did say he liked big women but it was so general that I got the feeling that he likes all big women except me.He was talking to me like I was this dude you meet for business and you entertain because he was in your custody. He was just replying me because he likes the act of replying. I have had chatmates like that before. They want nothing to do with me but they like talking. So I thought Adam was like that too. So when he offered to talk outside OKC I was shocked. He seemed to be online in OKC everyday all night when he is home and I basically was just logging in there to talk to him. (I got this major crush on his brain. Hehe.) So I thought about his offer to go out of OKC and didn't see a reason why we should so I didn't install the app that he was recommending. He didn't seem interested, why should I install an app that's gonna use my phone's memory if it was just to talk and nothing more? So I didn't do it until one day he had to go away for a few days and asked me to send him some pictures of where I live and my surroundings. I thought okay I may have to install this Discord app just so I can send him the pictures. So I did. And when he got back we started talking in this app and I mentioned that I didn't think we'd ever get out of OKC and mentioned my reasons for saying so. He then went on to explain that HE WAS PLENTY INTERESTED that's why he messaged me everyday. I was shookt. Delightfully shocked. I was so happy I thought an egg just came out of my ovaries. Hahaha! There are so many attractive things about Adam. He is not like all the other guys I have talked to. He's not fake. Very genuine guy. I just knew he is. He didn't ask me for sex. Actually I am very happy whenever he mentions that. It's like my dad who doesn't drink and we encourage him if and when he says he wants to taste alcohol. It's kinda like that with Adam. Well I'm getting ahead of myself. Back to the story. So we sent each other pictures. We talked everyday about lots of things. Mind you, I am really falling for this guy. Then one day he says, "I treat everyone who is nice to me as potential partners and you happen to be one of them." My heart sank. What I understood from it is that he is only like that to me but if there were other women who are nice to him, he'd talk to them the same way he does to me. I thought it was sick. But from his perspective it's like poking until one sticks which is acceptable to me. But still I didn't like it. I was nobody special, I thought. So one day I got tired of all the indians in OKC and it started hurting when I saw Adam online there so I disabled my account. I thought I'd just wait for him on Discord. A day went by maybe 2 and there was no message from him. I started to get worried and logged into Discord with the intention of calling him out on not messaging me. To my surprise pops all his messages for the past day. So I told him. It turned out he was also really sad that I was not replying and my OKC account was gone so he thought maybe I left him for good. He said he messaged a lot of people just to compensate for the sadness but when I got back, he stopped talking to everyone else and never again logged onto OKC. It was a nice gesture and because he is Adam, it was not bullshit but truth and he will follow through. So we talked and talked and talked. There was one day that I was really thinking of him a lot so I sent a voice message. He was really scared to hear my voice at first because he had a bad experience with someone he liked and her voice was abrasive and he had to stop communicating with her. He said he likes me much more than he liked that girl so he is more scared now coz there is more to lose. (Ayiiii!) It made my heart soar. It felt like all the other times that he made me feel bad (unintentionally) was forgiven just because he said he is basically afraid to lose me. Ayiii. I was very happy that day. We did a call once and I discovered one other beautiful thing which I truly love about him. He has a southern accent. Wow! I really like that cowboy accent. I got plus points on his book too because my voice is fairly understandable and I like his drawl which according to him is seen as uneducated and crude in america. Well, it is a beautiful sound to me. I have actually just finished downloading an app to combine all the videos he sent me so I can save it as one video to watch on loop and also convert it into m4a format so I can listen to it like music. Hehe. It might sound weird and obsessive but he is very far from me and this is my way of adapting. Deal with it. Hehe.
Going back to the story, so I sent him a voice clip and he sent me one also. I can't download it though but it was very nice and sweet. He even said miss you bunch there. Hihi. All the little things Adam says that show affection is very much cherished by me because he is not very good at that. He can tell you the history of all the world maybe but he can't be romantic. Haha. I hope he learns to be. Getting ahead again. I'm such a scatterbrain. Hehe. So, I escalated to sending him videos and then after sending the second set, he decided to send one too and if I am not in love with him the weeks before he sent that, this video really did it. He was so funny. Hahaha. He is handsome and not ashamed and ahh.. just a delight to look at and listen to. I watched that first video over and over and over again. He must've felt pity for me so he sent another one. And another one and the last one is 12 minutes long. It is 12 minutes I will always wanna spend just looking at him. I am head over heels in deep infatuation with this guy. He is so amazing and awesome and a gentleman and everything I could ever want.
One day, August 8, 2018, he was kinda flirting more than usual. Like he mentioned that if we ever get a house, we'll get one with 2 bedrooms. He also mentioned a few other things that involved the word "relationship". So I called him out and asked if we are in one. To my delight he said yes. Ayiiiiiiii..... my happiness couldn't be contained. I asked him to call me girlfriend one time and he did. I was so happy. Hihihi. I remember the feeling when I got promoted to salutatorian from first honorable mention in high school. That was an awesome feeling but this felt better. It was like achieving something you really didn't think you deserved but really wanted. I can't explain it properly but I felt amazingly happy. Days after that I thought being girlfriend I can expect some things from Adam now. Yeah yeah. Expecting ruins relationships. I know. But I was stupid the days that followed and I started being greedy with his time. I felt ignored that he would shove me out to make way for some gaming time with his bestfriend. I was like, "Hello! This is not how girlfriend works! You have to talk to me all the time!" I didn't say that to his face but waited a couple of days after. It persisted though and one sunday he woke up late and I was missing him bad. He spent the night with his bestfriend. When he woke up he said he was tired and might not be in discord much that day. I just exploded. I was typing this really long message, wait I'll show you.
"You have talked to me less and less for the past week. As much as I wanna respect your space, we are a long distance relationship and talking is all we have. The level of our affection and time for each other is not directly proportional. As mine increases, yours decreases. I am happy that you are having fun with your friend but you have spent most of your free time with him for the past 3 or 4 days. It is not a competition I know but I still feel that I lost and I don't wanna keep feeling like this. And it seems like if I continue with you it is just gonna get worse. I've seen this happen dozens of times when you talk plenty at the beginning then you run out stuff to talk about, it is perfectly natural IF you are not compatible. I have learned through experience that once the man's attention goes south like this, it is hard to bring it back up again unless it is a different person. That is the killer of supposed to be nonstop topics and we just don't have that anymore. I can't keep up with your intellect and you can't keep up with my sweetness and daydreaming. I don't know whose fault it is but I am more unhappy than I am happy."
This was a draft and as you can see there needs to be editing towards the end. So I was typing this. Basically telling him that I do not want to continue with him if things will be like this. And while typing, he goes online and asks me for my gmail account. He wants to send a video he just shot. I stopped typing saved this on my phone's drafts and gave him my email. We ended up having a good day that day. He talked to me. I think it was God's intervention. There were 2 other times that God seemed to tweak things to help Adam and I's relationship. One was beeping out undesirable words from my mouth during a phone call and the other was during an argument when Adam thought I am showing too much care. It sounded to me that he wanted me to take it down a notch but I am incapable of doing that. And if he really can't handle the affection, my only other option is terminating communication which is something I really didn't wanna do. So I prayed and prayed to make Adam be okay with it somehow and not make me resort to goodbyes. Just minutes after the prayer, Adam messaged apologizing. It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulder. We were doing great ever since until yesterday when he said he doesn't want a partner who cares only about him coz it will not be healthy. What I heard is he doesn't want me to be his partner. I was so bummed out the whole day coz I really didn't wanna stop with Adam and I think he is the one. I felt so bad thinking I'd have to go searching again. I seriously think there is no one better than Adam out there. I mean, he is a nerd but he doesn't wear glasses and he is very handsome. I don't wanna search for another and just concentrate one how to get him to love me. Hehe. I started thinking of strategies on how to rectify the situation. I thought of not messaging him for days so he will miss me. All those stupid stuff. Then, at night, I realized I was overthinking and the best thing I have to do is relax and let things run their course. So when he messaged this morning I acted cool. Turns out there's nothing to be worried about. We did a three and a half hour call which is very nice. We got closer I think. Hope it goes well.
I cannot wait for the day that I'd get on a plane and go to him. When I land we will kiss at the airport and do every fun stuff we can. Hehe. I'll stay there a month or less I guess. I hope God will help us.
Thank you for reading. Updates to follow.
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